Building Community After Divorce, Widowhood, or a Major Life Change

After years of taking care of everyone else, a major life transition can leave you wondering who you are now and what comes next.

In this conversation, I sit down with Julie Marvel of Step Into Grace Media to talk about creating your next chapter through confidence, connection, and purposeful action. We explore how divorce, widowhood, and other life changes can affect not only your sense of identity, but also the friendships and community that once surrounded you.

Julie shares why intentional connection, personal growth, and friendship can be so important as you move forward, and how finding the right people can help you create a more meaningful life.

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Julie Marvel is the founder of Step Into Grace Media, where she helps women confidently create their next chapter through intentional connection, personal growth, and purposeful action.

Her work focuses on practical strategies for building confidence, expanding your circle, and creating a more meaningful life. Julie’s outlook has been shaped by a strong belief in community, personal growth, and lifelong learning, along with lessons she has gained through struggle and perseverance.

She especially loves helping women who are looking for guidance, community, and support, and she has seen firsthand how friendship and connection can help women create meaningful change in their lives.

Want more from Julie? Subscribe to her articles, notes of inspiration, and podcast on Substack:

https://substack.com/@juliemarvel

Want to get in touch with Julie? Here’s how:

Website: https://www.stepintogracemedia.com
Email: juliemarvel@stepintograce.vip
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/juliemarvel/

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hey there, and welcome to Conversations Worth Your While. It's the podcast where we dig into ideas and insights to help you to unleash what you were born to bring. I chat with heart-led experts and ask the questions that I know you're already thinking about. And we explore conversations that spark growth, that shift perspectives, and that help you to show up fully in your life, in your career, and in your community. Today we're exploring building community after divorce, widowhood, or a major life change. This conversation is worth your while because so many of us spend years taking care of everyone else. And then one day things quiet down, empty nest, whatever. Or maybe we go through a big life transition, like a divorce or widowhood. And then we realize, okay, I don't even know who I am anymore. Our identity totally shifts. And not only that, we've lost that community, the community that was tied to those old chapters. And that can leave us feeling pretty lonely. So today we're going to address all that in a beautiful conversation that I hope you stick around for. I'm your host, Linda Booker. And if the life you are in no longer fits, this space is for you. Because through my coaching and through my podcast, I guide purpose-driven people to reconnect to who they truly are and to let go of what they've outgrown and rediscover their gifts and then create a life that feels aligned and is deeply impactful. And if that sparks something within you, you can find me at lyndabooker.com. Okay, back to today's episode, Building Community After Divorce, Widowhood, or a Major Life Change. I have the pleasure of being joined by Julie Marvel of Step Into Grace Media. And Julie's making positive ripples in her very unique and beautiful way. Julie built Step Into Grace Media from her own personal experience, which she will be sharing. And she helps women to confidently create their next chapter through community, through intentional connection, and through personal growth. So, Julie, thanks so much for being with me today on Conversations Worth Your While. Thank you so much for having me. It's nice to be here, Linda. It's awesome. So can you just tell us a little bit more about who you serve and what you do?

SPEAKER_00 2:09

I sure can. So I serve a group of women. We have an online community and I work with women who are reaching midlife. A lot of times they have been going through a major life change like divorce, widowhood, emptiness, or they move to a new area and they're looking for that sense of community. So I use courses and weekly live calls, and we have a membership online where the women can come together and find that sense of community with each other. Well, that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

It's a beautiful thing. We'll definitely, I'll ask you more about that at the conclusion of our show because I want to share that with our audience. But okay, let's go to the show. All right. So first of all, um you and I have each been through a big life transition in different ways. And then I've I don't know how old your kids are, but my kids also all left the nest. My youngest is 24. Um, my oldest, he went into the Marine Corps when he was 18. Um, my middle child went into the marine corps when he was 19. So they've gone, right? My uh and my youngest, my daughter, she's out in grad school, she lives somewhere else. So I have an empty nest. So that was one big thing. And that is very common for women to go through, you know, if you've had children, which is is a majority. But we we've also been through other things. So I am a widow, technically, I am remarried now, but um, my husband passed away when my kids were three, five, and seven years old. And there was uh a transformation that happened there, big life transformation. And I know you also went through something. So why don't you just share, you know, your story uh a little bit about, you know, what went missing when you went through your transition.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Yeah, thank you. So um about eight years ago, I did experience a divorce. And at that time, I had school-age children. I was working from home, we were living on a farm. And when that divorce initiated, I just realized I didn't have a sense of community. I lost my support system and I really lost my sense of who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. And so that was a real turning point for me when I started to invest in myself, in my healing, and finding a sense of community was step one for me.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Yeah. So, um, okay, so you're when your kids are little, you're taking them to their soccer practice, your community is the other soccer moms, right? When you're like, you know, you're doing your thing, and then even when you're part of a couple, your community is that couplehood, right? The other the other couples that are in your community. And so, um, and and so when our kids grow up and leave the nest, when we go through a divorce um or you know, a widowhood, that community just goes missing. And and it's not because the people are like, you're out, you're not in anymore, you're out, bye. That's not where it comes from. They feel awkward to reach out to you, especially like if they're in a couple, like, I'm supposed to take sides or whatever, you know. Um it just shifts.

SPEAKER_00 5:13

I think it shifts everyone around you isn't really sure how to respond to this situation, and you're not really sure if you're comfortable being in your skin anymore because everything has changed. And so, you know, whether it's becoming an empty nester, which I'm actually experiencing right now, my my youngest just graduated high school and moved out. So that's that's a big change for me. And um, but when I was divorced a number of years ago, it was very similar. Like you said, you know, if you're going around and spending life as a couple and then all of a sudden you're single, it shifts a lot of different things, and you're not really expecting that to happen. And you know, we a lot of times have friends that we are doing certain things with, and if that goes away, then then you're left to be uncertain of where you're gonna find your next sense of community. Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

So it's lonely. And because you're uncertain of who I am now, who am I now? It's even hard to say, well, who do I want to hang out with? I don't know because I don't know me. That's that's what happens, right? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

We don't we're like uh and I think sometimes people don't even realize that they are lonely, they're just feeling an emptiness and they're feeling like an uncertainty. But um, sometimes they aren't even able to put their finger on the fact that it's loneliness because they may be surrounded by people. They might have a job or they might, you know, be involved in sports or tennis or whatever. But it's really um different when you have an intimate conversation with someone that makes you feel seen and heard. And also when you have friends that know your story that you don't have to keep telling your story to every single time you see them, they know your story so they can ask about what's going on in your life.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

Yeah, yeah. And all those big shifts are a loss of identity, a loss of who we thought we were, or maybe who we were for a long time. It's very common for, especially for mothers, you know, to say, who are you? Like, well, I'm a mother. That's not actually the right answer, the truest answer to that question. That's a role, that's a responsibility for us, but it's not really who we are. So when we lose that active mothering, like, well, who am I now? I don't know the answer. So whenever we go through a big life transition, we always go through an identity crisis. It's absolutely normal. We go, we went through it in the positive transitions too, like when we got married or maybe when we had a child, right? We have gone through these big life transitions over and over again. And um, they will strip away the identity you thought you had without giving you the new one yet. So it is a very untethered, difficult place to be, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Yeah, I think it's almost like a little bit of a grieving process because, like you said, when you become a mother or when you become a wife or you get a career, um, you're adding to your life, right? You're getting something that you've worked for, you've tried to achieve. And so that's added into your life. But when we come out on the other side, we're sort of losing those things. We're losing our sense of motherhood or the divorce or the widowhood, or you know, when you retire from your job, now you've have a sense of loss. And so it is almost like a grieving process that leads you into a sense of loneliness where it's like, I'm not sure what's next for me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

And you're absolutely right. I mean, you know, like that's my job as a coach is to help people move through the four squares, or at least three of the four squares, of change, of big change. And square one is the death and rebirth square, and grieving is absolutely necessary, or else you'll never get into square two. So you have to grieve the loss of what was. And grieving is a releasing process. Now we can't grieve everything. Some stuff is just a story in our head, like now I'll have to, now I'll never find. If it's anything future-based, you're making it up. Just know that. That can't be grieved. So you can cry all you want over that. You that you cannot grieve. That has to be disbelieved. That's what you do in in the square one of change that you get thrown into. What's truth and what's a story? If it's truth, I do need to grieve it so it can be released. And if it's not truth, I need to question the heck out of it. Because if I believe it, I'm going to be stuck in the sadness and loneliness forever. So we want to move into square two, which is this discovery. It's actually the most exciting phase. I love I love this phase. It's like the, okay. So let's move into our next touch point, which we're gonna we're gonna focus on today, um, which is once you go through this big transition, now you've got an opportunity, an opportunity discover who am I now and what's right for me. What do I want now? Because who I was when I got married, who I was when I had these kids, I'm not that human anymore. I'm not that woman anymore. And what I want is different. So we have an opportunity, right? So let's start with that.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Yeah. Yeah. And this is where you get to be creative. Once you've moved past the acceptance that your life has changed and now you're ready for it to take the next step, then you get to be creative. You get to sort of um sort out what who do I want to be? And I remember going through this vividly because there were two things that I did um during this stage of my life. So this is something just as a suggestion for women. One of the things that I did was um I continued to order the same food from the same restaurants anytime I went somewhere. And so I made a decision. This is just so simple, but I made a decision that when I went to a restaurant, I would ask the waiter what the most popular thing on the menu was. And whatever it was, I would order it. And I know that sounds kind of silly, but it's like now I'm being a little bit more adventurous because I had gotten into these habits of just doing the same thing over and over again. And so it was so fun to go to these restaurants, and then what you're gonna get is always something good off the menu because it's the most popular thing, it's what they're known for. And so that was one little shift. Another shift that I made was I was in mom mode. I was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt every single day, every single day. And I just decided to not do that anymore. I decided to bring color into my wardrobe and not wear the same thing over and over. And I was very intentional about that. And so those were the first two steps that I made in kind of a shift in how I saw my identity or how I was seeing myself.

SPEAKER_01 11:35

Well, those are actually if, and you might not know this, but those are very predictable things that that tell you you're in square two. That's predictable. When you look at your wardrobe and you go, none of this is me. And I don't know what is me yet, but it's not this. When you go, you know what, I gotta put some color in this house, and you take all your gray walls and you paint them white, or you paint them purple, or you paint them whatever, or you go, you know what, this hair doesn't feel like anymore. And I'm chopping it all off. Whenever you do something like that, it is natural in square two. It's telling you you're in square two, which is the discovery phase. And we discovered through experiments and through contrast of what it isn't any longer. So not jeans and black t-shirts any longer. Maybe it's color, and then you try it out. And so it's about experimenting. And as we're experimenting, the way to move through square two is by noticing, and then you can narrow and then you name. So that's right. What a beautiful segue for you to bring me into square two. I can explain for our listeners. So when you feel that urge, you are in square two, which is very cool because it's your discovery phase.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's so great. And it's just an opportunity, you know. And I think what you can oftentimes do at that stage is look back on when you before you had kids or before you were married, and sort of what were some of the things that you liked doing back then, or who was your identity back then? And you can sort of revive those parts of your personality that you did get joy from back way before you were so busy. And I think that that's a good place to start. And then you can build on it from there and sort of try new things and explore your new identity.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

It's a perfect place to start. Matter of fact, those are the questions I ask when someone's coming to me, even for like a career change. Like, I got a pivot. I no longer want to do this, and I don't want know what I want to do. I will take them back and ask them questions. So, you know, what are the hot, what are your hobbies? Even if you haven't had time to do them in the last 15 years, what are your hobbies? And it's not so much what the hobby is that gives you the information, it's the why behind the hobby. What specifically about that lit you up?

SPEAKER_00 13:46

Yeah, or like do you like to do athletic things? Do you like to do artistic things? Do you like to do reading kinds of things? You know, it's sort of like looking at who you are internally and what makes you happy. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

And and even if you don't know what makes you happy yet, though it's the why behind what used to make you happy that you is the biggest clue. And so, you know, why did you love to go ride your bike? Because maybe riding your bike now at 60 years old is not something you want to do. But why did you love to ride your bike? Oh, I really loved it. It felt like freedom, you know, I was alone, but I was in movement. Freedom and movement, like, oh, perfect. That's a beautiful clue. I call them puzzle pieces, and we just spend a lot of time collecting these puzzle pieces. And then how can freedom and movement like now? Well, how would you like to experiment with freedom and movement now? And it's just an experiment, and you know, you just give it a little try and you learn who you are. All right. Now let's move into this community piece. So we've lost the community of you know, the circumstances we had tied with our kids, tied with the couples, tied with whatever. And once you've discover our and are in the midst of discovering, it's doesn't, it's not like a one happens first and the other, but as you're discovering who you are now and what you want now at this point in your life, using this space that you've just been gifted as an opportunity to discover more about you and your purpose, right? Now instead of being lonely, we can find a community of choice instead of one of circumstance, correct?

SPEAKER_00 15:25

Right, right. Absolutely. So I think it's just so important for us to be intentional about building community or finding a community because oftentimes we're sort of waiting for someone else to reach out to us or for us to be invited somewhere. And that doesn't always happen. Sometimes you need to be intentional and start looking for either people in your life that you might want to reach back out to or a community that's already in existence, like a meetup group or a book club or a volunteer kind of situation where you can get engaged with the community. And I think that this is the first step in learning what you like, what you don't like. You can test it out. It doesn't need to be this is the only one that I'm gonna try. But this is so important for really learning more about yourself and learning what kind of community you're looking for in order to feel that sense of belonging and meaning and purpose and bringing that back into your life.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

Yes. And it does take a little bit of courage. Um, but you have to take a step. I like to use this metaphor for all sorts of things, but um, you know, with the kids when they were little, we would play the game of getting warmer and getting colder. And so they would leave the room, I'd hide a toy somewhere. They had to step into the room or they would never ever find the toy. And the first step, also, they would never ever find the toy if they all stopped right there. So you take you have to take that first step. And in the first step, you get feedback. And the feedback is where you learn more about who you are and what you want. So you take that step and you get the feedback. Oh, that's getting colder. I'm no longer gonna go in that direction. And then you make a shift and you go into an you take another step, not knowing if it's still gonna be getting colder or getting warmer. But you know, if you've ever played this game, you will always find the toy as long as you listen to the feedback. And that's how life is. That's how when you're finding what your new career can be. That's how when I talk to the 20-somethings and they're like, I don't know what. I'm like, well, you gotta take a step because it's the game of getting warmer and getting colder. And you gotta keep playing and you got to play all the time. And that's the same when you go through a big life transition. How do I discover who I am and what I want? You play the game of getting warmer and getting colder. You take a step, you go to one of those meetup groups, you say, Yeah, I like the thing they're doing, but those people are not my people. Okay, great. Don't say, Well, that's it. I tried, I'm out. You know, like, okay, let me try somewhere else. It is that thing, it's not those people. Where might my people hang out, right? What else might they be doing?

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah, and I think I I want everyone to know that it's totally normal for you to be fearful or to feel nervous or to not be certain about taking that first step because I've talked to many, many women that have had that experience. And once you take that first step, even if it's the wrong first step, you you are building up that sense of confidence that you can handle it. And so taking that first step is so important to build your confidence, to start your healing, and to start finding the right direction that you need to go in to find the right people to have in your life. I think that it is so normal for it to be a little scary at the beginning. Oh, it's absolutely normal.

SPEAKER_01 18:32

I mean, okay, I'm a raging extrovert, so I will go in a room with people I don't know and have a great time, but I am the exception to the rule.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

Right. Yes, not everyone is like that. And there are some people that are, but I would say the majority of people, even people that like to be in a social environment, might still be nervous about is it going to be the right? Are they gonna like me or even am I gonna like them? You you aren't really sure ahead of time. You aren't really sure.

SPEAKER_01 18:54

Yeah. One of the things I like to share with people is when things are scary, just lower the stakes. That's it. Lower the stakes. And that's just that's a mindset move. That's saying, you know, okay, if this, if this meetup group I went into and checked it out doesn't go my way, I'm gonna make a sitcom story out of it. I'm like, I'm gonna get an anecdote out of this. That's right. That's the like, so I'm going in it for that. Hey, maybe I'll meet someone. And then the fear of being yourself, that's like I'm actually teaching, uh running a lab about overcoming imposter syndrome for business owners right now. And um, you know, it's a really obvious thing to point out. If you're showing up as somebody else or please like me, then they're gonna like the imposter and not like you.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Like, so why would you want to hang out eventually?

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Yeah, like you're then you'll be like, Will anyone love me for who I am? Well, not if you don't show them who you are, it's impossible. So go there with like, this is who I am, like me, don't like me, because that's not actually my business. You can't control the lens through which other people see you because it's their lens covered in their schmutz of their history, their insecurities, their whole thing. So whether they look you up and down with a look on their face or are open arms, you have zero control either way. So just be who you are and lower the stakes because if they don't like you, you never have to go back. If you don't like them, you never have to go back.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

Right, right. And you gain information, you know, even if it's a not a good experience, you're gaining the information for what you like and what you don't like, or or what direction you need to go next. It's just basic information, it's feedback for yourself so that you know, oh, I didn't like that experience. Now I'm gonna try something different.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Right. That was getting colder. So let's try something else. Right. Next step, next step. And you will find it and you will find your community. Um, beautiful. Okay, so um, listeners, before you hit play on the next podcast, um, which I hope is another conversations worth your while episode because we're all so fun and so great with excellent people. Um, if you it's like if you buy a book and you peruse through it and you put it on your shelf and you don't do anything, we call that shelf help instead of self-help. So when it comes to podcast land, before you click play on the next episode, um, we would like you to take a turtle step. You know, turtles take kind of small steps. I mean, I know they can move fast, but they don't take giant steps. So we're gonna take a turtle step. And a turtle step is a smallest step that you'll actually take before you hit play on the next podcast episode. So, Julie, I would love if you would share a turtle step with our listeners today. Um, so if they like are like, yeah, I want to discover who I am or I want to find my new community, um, what could they do?

SPEAKER_00 21:37

Yeah, I think this is a very simple thing that women can do that will get them started. So I just want you to sit down with a little piece of paper and a pencil or your phone and make a list of people in your life that maybe you've lost touch with or maybe you'd like to reconnect with. And you might be surprised that those people are wanting to reconnect with you as well. And they're waiting for you to invite them. So I want you to make a list of anybody in your life that you want to reconnect with. If you don't have anyone, if no one's coming to mind, maybe you've moved to a new area. I want you to sit down and make a list of groups or organizations that you could try to get involved with in order to find that sense of community. And then reach out to the one person on the list to start or reach out to the organization that you want to get involved with. Just do that one thing and that's taking that first step. Right. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

That's often what we choose as coaches, um, is the smallest turtle step is make a list. Hey, all I gotta do is make a list. It does not obligate me to do anything, just make a list. And if you make that list, then the next day you could pick one thing on that list to do. One thing, just one, and go out on that limb as an experiment. Nothing has to mean anything about who you are. Don't make it mean something, it's just an experiment. Maybe I reach out to that person and they don't answer back. Don't make it mean you weren't worthy of being answered. Just like, okay, well, they might be busy, or maybe they don't use that inbox anymore, or what like there's a thousand other reasons they might not reach out. That's right. That's right. Well, I'll try somebody else, right? So you never know. And then often you reach out to someone, they're like, oh my gosh, it's so nice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Reach out to me, you know, like and sometimes it might take a couple of times to get in touch with that person because they may not be in a quiet period of their life. So, you know, I would say not even to give up after one try because oftentimes it takes a couple of times for someone to go, oh, they're really just wanting to get together with me. And they might be so grateful that you did.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

Yeah, beautiful. Okay. Well, Julie, this has been such a beautiful conversation. I want to thank you so much for being my guest. And um, I know you do have this community. I'd love if you just tell our listeners a little bit more about the community that you run.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Yes. Well, thank you so much for having me today. This has been so lovely. So um I have a website. It's called stepintogracemedia.com. And that is where I have built the community. We have what's called the Grace Community, which is a membership-based community. And then within that community, we do weekly live calls, we have courses, we're doing webinars and all kinds of things where women are moving into their next chapter, but they're doing it with the support of other women. So that's where you can find me. I'm also on Substack under my name, which is Julie Marble. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Beautiful. I will put um the links that you share with me in the show notes, everybody. So go down to those show notes and uh click through to find Julie's community and find Julie on Substack as well. Um, okay, so that's our show. I am Linda Booker. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Um, I'm Linda Booker, guiding people to know their worth, to reconnect to their gifts and create lives that are fully aligned and deeply impactful. And so if you're sensing it's time to bring your life into deeper alignment, you can explore what that looks like at lindabooker.com where you will find direction, uh, some clarity, and a link to book a complimentary clarity chat with me. And if today's episode sparks something for you, please like it and share it and subscribe, you know, so you don't miss what we are talking about next week. And join me next week for another uplifting conversation that is designed to support your growth. So until next time, please make sure you've made this conversation worth your while by fueling the spark that it ignited.